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Discussion in 'Society and Culture' started by ethics, Jun 4, 2010.

  1. ethics

    ethics Pomp-Dumpster Staff Member

    Just wanted to pass this along to the members.

    She didn't say this but I am going to ask for this and I don't think I am asking for much.
    Please give thoughts and prayers to her and her dad. Apparently he has been moved to a hospice and she is not taking this all too well. By that, I mean, she is a wreck, as many of the rest of us would be.

    So, please, when you ask for anything, ask for strength for her, dad, and the rest of her family.

    Thank you very much.
  2. ShinyTop

    ShinyTop I know what is right or wrong!

    I was wondering about her just recently. My well wishes and thoughts are with her and her dad.
  3. cdw

    cdw Ahhhh...the good life.

    Her and her family will be added into the prayers, good thoughts, energy, whatever it is I'm doing at the moment.
    It ain't easy but she'll get through. I wish her the very best always. Other than this I'm assuming everything is ok with her?
  4. ethics

    ethics Pomp-Dumpster Staff Member

    I wish it were so. Still struggling with other stuff and her kidneys are giving her issues. But her dad is outmost priority tight now.
  5. Swamp Fox

    Swamp Fox Veteran Member

    I was also wondering about her. Hope she'll be all right.
  6. cdw

    cdw Ahhhh...the good life.

    I'm sorry to hear that. She's a wonderful woman. Like I said, she'll be added to the list for sure. Thanks for letting us know.
  7. Violet1966

    Violet1966 Stand and Deliver Staff Member

    thank you leon. i'm sorry everyone. i've just been a mess. it's been a hard past year here. i still am having a hard time, even though i knew it would come one day. i know i've missed a lot of things going on here with people here too, and want to apologize. i've been isolating myself and just playing farmville on facebook to take my mind off things and the past week, can't even concentrate on that. i'm seeing a doctor on the 10th about this because i can't stop crying. i wake up and remember the reality and grief has been taking me over. not for myself, but for my dad. i don't want him to suffer and it's getting bad. he recently had pneumonia and that's when they told us the treatments weren't slowing it down enough and it's stage 4 now. he shut down when they told him, and he's going through a lot mentally with this. my tears are for what he's feeling right now. it kills me to know he's in so much mental pain with knowing he's going to leave us soon. i have to stop typing. will check back, and i'm sorry. sorry if i missed anything here that was life changing for anyone i know here. just know i'm mentally not able to deal with this right now. news and stuff...i can't even think rationally sometimes and with all life's been tossing at me, last thing i'm thinking about is news and politics. miss you all and will check back. i'm on facebook and you can see me on lynne or leon's friends list if you wish to add me.
  8. Biker

    Biker Administrator Staff Member

    Read your PMs. ;)
  9. Violet1966

    Violet1966 Stand and Deliver Staff Member

    just want to add tomorrow i have to start arranging for the funeral stuff. since my brother is down there actually with my dad more, i volunteered because my brother has been doing more than his share actually living down there, with my dad. so if anyone has any advice, i'd really appreciate it.
  10. cmhbob

    cmhbob Did...did I do that? Staff Member

    Man, I could list all sorts of things.

    • Ask for a General Price List right off the bat. Every funeral home you ask has to give that to you; it's federal law. Some costs are rolled into a general fee; others are priced out.
    • See if your dad has made any arrangements already. If you don't know the funeral homes in the area, ask your neighbors who they've used, and who they're comfortable with.
    • Make sure the funeral home records the service in some way. Audio should be easy; some do video. I wish I had a copy of my dad's funeral. I remember that the pastor gave a great eulogy, but I can't recall any of it.
    • Spring for the limo if you go in procession to the graveside. That way you don't have to think about driving.
    • Was your dad in the service? If so, he's eligible for certain vet benefits, including at least a 2-man military honor detail, a flag, and a grave marker. You'll need a copy of his discharge papers.
    • Consider asking for donations to American Cancer Society instead of flowers.
    • If you don't have a pastor, the funeral home should have a list of pastors who will help out.
    • I'll PM you my phone numbers; call me tomorrow or email me if you have questions. Remember I worked around the funeral industry for 7 years.
  11. Swamp Fox

    Swamp Fox Veteran Member

    Arrange to probate his will, if any. If he doesn't have a will, and he's coherent, you know what to do. Also ask a lawyer how much he would charge to probate a will, and nix on him if he wants a cut of the estate.
  12. cmhbob

    cmhbob Did...did I do that? Staff Member

    A few more thoughts as they come up:

    • Cremation will be cheaper than burial. If you do this, ask about a rental casket. They use the outer shell of the casket for visitation, and just an inner section for cremation.
    • Caskets have a huge markup on them - like 100%. Seriously. Costco sells caskets. The funeral home cannot force you to buy a casket from them, or disallow you from using one you bring or ship to them. If you know any Amish, they can make a very nice casket for a very reasonable price.
    • Burial vault is the outer container that surrounds the casket. Some cemeteries require them; few states do. A basic concrete vault is fine.
    • Funeral Planning 101 is a very educational consumer site. Tons of pretty honest and fair information. They also have a listing of funeral homes by state and city.
    • Make sure hospice lets everyone know what to do at the end, and what to expect. When Diana's mom passed, there was some mis-communication about who could pronounce the death, and what kinds of things we could have expected her to go through right before.
    • Ask your dad now if he's got a will, and find it. If he's got a safe-deposit box, empty it now, as it will be sealed when he dies until his estate gets probated.
    • You have every right to personalize the funeral service in whatever way you think is appropriate. Want to use your dad's truck to carry the casket for burial? The funeral home should have no problem with that.
  13. Elspeth

    Elspeth Beware the Fire Dragon

    Sweetie, I am so sorry you are going through this. You are in our thoughts. I cannot offer any words of widsom just hugs and love. We are here you.
  14. Violet1966

    Violet1966 Stand and Deliver Staff Member

    bob God bless you. really. thank you. stanley, all that's fine. will and all is in order, it's just these other things. thank you everyone.

    bob we are doing creamation. my dad has told us since we're little, not to put him in the ground. now, i have to find out if the cemetary where his mother and father and brothers are, will let us just mark the stone with his name, or if they actually demand he be in the ground there in order for the stone to be removed then marked with my dad's memory. this is hell. this, is hell. hell is here. no where else. on earth.
  15. cmhbob

    cmhbob Did...did I do that? Staff Member

    I'm guessing here, but if you own the plot, and the marker is already there, they can't say boo about it. The cemetery where my parents are, in Austin, offered to let us bury Mom (cremated) over top of Dad's casket, to let us free up the other side, so there should be no limits on what you can do if you own the plot.

    Consider small memorial urns, too. You can split up his cremains (ashes) so everyone in the family can have him there, if they want.

    I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I wish I could do more to help.
  16. joseftu

    joseftu ORIGINAL Pomp-Dumpster

    Sorry to hear about all this, Violet. If it helps at all, you've got good thoughts and wishes coming from me.
  17. SixofNine

    SixofNine Jedi Sage Staff Member

    We're all pulling for you, Vio! :love:
  18. cdw

    cdw Ahhhh...the good life.

    Yes, we are all pulling for you. Thing that really really helped me was to remember that I wasn't alone. There are many people all around you that had to deal with the same thing and got through it. You will too.

    And..just a word..don't imagine you could know what your father is feeling. My mother was actually quite relieved to have it over..she had suffered enough and became someone she didn't recognize anymore. God, I loved and still love that woman. And tears are in my eyes just typing that. It's tough Vi but trust me, you aren't alone, you'll get through...there are MANY here on the board who have.

    Get to the doctor, take care of yourself. Your dad would be devastated if you weren't ok.
  19. Allene

    Allene Registered User

    Violet, I didn't realize there was another thread with you in it. These are tough times for you and your family. Don't worry about the rest of us. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You are going to make it through all this and come out a stronger person, even though it seems like it'll never get better right now.
  20. Biker

    Biker Administrator Staff Member

    Spoke with Violet at great length today. She knows that she can come here for a shoulder or two, and if she doesn't, I'll personally go out there and turn her over my knee.

    (I'm hoping she takes me up on that offer!) :D

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