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Relationships ... Arrrggghhh!!!

Discussion in 'Issues Around the World' started by LissaKay, Jan 5, 2003.

  1. LissaKay

    LissaKay Oh ... Really???

    OK ... so I "met" this guy online about a year and a half ago. He found me while searching Yahoo profiles and sent me am IM. We talked for several weeks online and on the phone until we decided to take it to "real life." However, Sept 11 intervened before we could make plans. He's in the airline biz and was transferred to Florida so he could keep his job. He returned home, thinking he missed it more than he needed a job with the airlines. He got a job here with the utility company and HATED it.

    Anyway ... we went to dinner, movies, shows a few times and enjoyed ourselves. There were no fireworks or great passion, but more a warm sense of well-being together ... we were quietly comfortable. But then the day came after about two months when the calls and IMs stopped. My emails to him went unreplied to. I wasn't brave enough to call.

    Many reasons went through my mind ... he's never been married, no kids. I'm a single mom with a challenging kid (and that is the understatement of the decade!) that always found a way to at least interrupt our dates with a phone call. Once I had to end the date and go home. In any case, single moms are not a hot prospect to childless men. I wondered if this got to him?

    His job situation also could have been a reason. I understand that for many (most?) men, their job security and status is a large part of the ego. Insecurity in that arena leads to feeling insecure in all other parts of his life. And I'm a tough chick to get close to, to know what's going on in my heart and head ... a challenge for any man.

    So last night, out of the blue, Michael IM's me. We chatted for a while about what has been going on in our lives. He's back in the airline biz again and said he was very happy about that. He didn't offer any explanation for where he had disappeared to, but he did suggest that we go to dinner again soon.

    So ... how do I interpret this? Would I be nuts to give it another try? Or should I go for it and just enjoy what I can of it?

    BTW .. I am without a doubt probably the most stupid woman on the face of the earth when it comes to relationships.
  2. Coot

    Coot Passed Away January 7, 2010

    I guess it boils down to how you feel about it. From a male perspective, I'd be curious about the disappearing act. Dinner doesn't have to mean pick up where you left off. If I were in your position, I'd be inclined to accept, if for no other reason than to satisfy my curiousity...and maybe answer some of those questions you have.
  3. midranger4

    midranger4 Banned

    I guess it depends on what your looking for in the relationship.

    This guy sounds like he wants a casual relationship, at least for now.

    If you enjoy his company I say why the hell not? Go have some fun Demi.
  4. Robert Harris

    Robert Harris Passed Away Aug. 19, 2006

    A number of possibilities come to mind. Some good, some bad. I suspect only time will let you sort out the undoubtedly long lists of possibilities others will give you to add to your own, and find truth. Here are a few of my speculations.

    1) He lost his job and was broke so did not call until he got a new one. Male pride, etc.

    2) He felt that you and he were becoming uncomfortably close and wanted a break to see if that is what he really wanted.

    3) He met another woman, had a demanding fling with her but she ditched him so he is crawling back. Or he realized that he had made a mistake and ditched her to try to get you back.

    4) He got married, returned from his honeymoon and discovered he is bored with his wife already, so...
    What to do?

    Keep in mind that I have a pretty poor track record on relationships myself. I am on marriage no. 3 now, and who knows how many more to come. (Good thing my wife does not visit this forum to see what I am saying. :)) So any advice I may give should be taken with a large grain of salt.

    If you still like the guy, or think you do, what is to lose by having dinner with him soon? Might give you an opportunity to find out what happened and why he suddenly disappeared and then returned -- maybe by asking directly. And you pprobably can find out if you want to pursue the relationship further from chatting face-to-face.
  5. ethics

    ethics Pomp-Dumpster Staff Member

    On top of some great advice, I will add, unfortunately having a kid, and a kid that needs more attention than other kids, that would also put a hamper on his male view.
  6. IamZed

    IamZed ...

    Give it your best shot. Life is short. If he is like me there is no excuse for his disappearance. I do not know what I am doing. I would appreciate the love of a good woman. Men are lost most of the time.
  7. mikepd

    mikepd Veteran Member

    All good advice. Go see him. Play it slow, get some answers, have fun. Take things a step at a time and be sure of what you want. Relationships are like anything else worthwile. They have to be maintained to work by all interested parties.
  8. ethics

    ethics Pomp-Dumpster Staff Member

    What mike and others said, Demi. This isn't to see what's inside the tootsie roll, it's to have fun licking just to get to the middle of it.

    And I don't mean that sexually, btw.
  9. Robert Harris

    Robert Harris Passed Away Aug. 19, 2006

    All of a sudden you got something against sex, buddy?
  10. ethics

    ethics Pomp-Dumpster Staff Member

    Hell no, but this is a serious topic, I didn't want people thinking I was trivializing it with sex or anything. ;)
  11. jamming

    jamming Banned

    You don't know enough about the guy, Demi to make a judgement as to what his situation was and is. You need to consider is what do you get out of it now and in the future? Then judge for yourself if it is worth the risk, of your emotions. Nothing ventured, Nothing is gained....but only you can make that choice for you.

    However, you are a worthwhile person who doesn't need to settle. Your son that is a challenge is also a very strong blessing. Do not sell your situation short, but just because this person may seem to have an issue does not mean he is or is not a fine person, only time will tell. But remember there are other men out there who don't know you that would love to find someone like you.
  12. cdw

    cdw Ahhhh...the good life.

    Well, IMO, it all depends on what you are looking for. From what I can read between the lines, it's not just a friend tho....if that were the case, you would have had no problem calling him to begin with to find out what happened to him, and now that he's reappeared, through IM no less, you didn't ask him what the heck happened to him. So, that being the case, and again, you gotta take this from a woman that's 48 years old and lives on Long Island, lol, forget him. If he can't be up front about day to day happenings and the present, what good is it? While you may be "hard to know", I get the distinct impression that you are forthright (sp?), up front, and once you do let someone in, they get the whole truth. Why expect less?
    Then again, if ya just want a fling and don't give a damn where he was or who he really is, go for it. And that's the advise of the aging country bumpkin.
    'sides...I think you already know the answer :)
  13. Robert Harris

    Robert Harris Passed Away Aug. 19, 2006


    Nice to see you chime in here. I was getting a bit worried seeing only a bunch of men advising this lovely woman on how to manage her love life. :)
  14. cdw

    cdw Ahhhh...the good life.


    I was genuinely surprised you guys didn't take a little more cautious approach..... I know my husband would have said "ditch him". But then again, he's a CONSERVATIVE rofl

    Just kiddin' kids. :)
  15. LissaKay

    LissaKay Oh ... Really???

    Thanks for all the thoughts on this guys and gals.

    I'm kind of in a tough situation. First of all, I have a long, gory history with men. I won't bore you with the details, but my love life reads like a cross between Jerry Springer and Danielle Steele. I am, as to be expected, extremely wary from that on top of my natural shyness with men. Definitely damaged goods here.

    Then there is my son. In our conversation last night, I told him a little of what I had been through since our last date, mostly that my son had been hospitalized after a suicide attempt and had been subsequently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I don't know what kind of man would be willing to step in to the kind of life I have ... *I* don't even want this life. I would imagine the one that could deal with it would have to be very special indeed. So I weed them out up front ... lay it all out on the line, and if they run in terror, that's OK. I don't blame them a bit. I am also so emotionally exhausted from dealing with my son that there is little left to give to anyone else.

    Michael is a very sweet, gentle man. A bit shy and kind of nerdy. But that's OK. I've had enough egotistical macho men. They are not good for me. I believe he has enough self-confidence to deal with my sometimes intimidating personality, and I don't think he is threatened by my intelligence. He is, however, a bit clumsy in the intimacy department. It's almost comical when he approaches for a kiss ... reminds me a bit of junior high or early high school. But instead of laughing, I find it touching.

    I dunno ... with the exception of the dates we had last spring, it's been almost two years since I have been in a relationship. They've all ended in disaster, mostly with me crying my eyes out for weeks from being heartbroken. Like I said, I'm a complete idiot when it comes to men ... I never know what to say or do, or how to respond. That leaves them wondering what I am thinking and feeling.

    I guess I will just see what happens from here ...

    Why does it have to be so complicated??
  16. ShinyTop

    ShinyTop I know what is right or wrong!

    If it were easy we would all start over every time we had a fight. Stay with it, Demi, there will be guy for you.
  17. Biker

    Biker Administrator Staff Member

    It's complicated because we tend to make it that way. And ya know what? We have only ourselves to blame.

    If the spark is there, go for it. Hell, go for it anyway. Seize the moment, live life to it's fullest. Experience it. Live it. And above all, savor it.
  18. BigDeputyDog

    BigDeputyDog Straight Shootin Admin Staff Member

    Hmmmm... Knoxville, TN...

    I-74 to Cinci, around I-275 to I-75... Straight south!!

    [mover]ROAD TRIP!!![/mover]


    BDD... :{)
  19. Misu

    Misu Hey, I saw that.

    Demi, if I were you, I would go on the date and ask him point-blank "so, where've you been?" If he doesn't answer you, or gives you an answer that isn't satisafactory, then he isn't worth your time.

    You're a busy girl. You don't have time to teach this asshole how to be a man. You don't have the time nor the energy - nor is it your responsibility - to teach him how to treat a lady. So let him go.

    I know it's been a while since you've had a relationship, but girl, you don't need one that's going to be a high-school drama game. That disappearing and then reappearing into your life through freaking IM is insane... How you kept your cool that he contacted you through IM is beyond me, I would have typed 'eff-you buddy', and been done with it. But since you didn't and he asked you out to dinner, go and find out what his deal is. Then go from there.

  20. HaYwIrE

    HaYwIrE Banned

    On top of all of the good advice that the others have given, I have one thing to point out. If you see yourself as damaged goods, so will others. Try and look at yourself a little differently and others will, too.

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