How Does One Balance Kids and Work?

[ethics]

I'd like to pose this question with men, specifically those who have been through this and can give me some pointers of even just plain old priceless wisdom.

As you know I have changed jobs recently, and I have a kid on the way (HOORAY!).

My dilemma, however, is this.

My new job is almost like a new career where I am going away from IT and leaning more towards trading (I am not a trader, and probably never would want to be one). This means that all of my prior experience is not worth as much as it would on my previous job. It also means proving myself to my new employer. You can see where I am going with this, since most of the time what will require of me are long (a lot longer than prior job) hours.

I also realize that bonding with your newborn is vital and very important. How do you guys do it out there? I want to be both successful father and have a successful career.

IS that possible? Or do I have to sacrifice one over the other? It's not trivial that if I had to choose it would be my daughter but I am still wondering if this is possible?

Any pointers would be appreciated even from ladies.

[Coriolis]

Ethics, bonding with your child in the early days is important, no doubt. But from my experience, being there to make your wife's life a little easier is, IMO, more to the point. I did a horrible job at this with our first born, and I've paid dearly for it (amazing the memory women have when it comes to "things you did wrong"). I also had just jumped into a new profession, with way more responsibility than I thought I could handle, combined with new parenthood responsibilities. I was, however, much smarter with the 2nd born, and put professional life on hold for about the first two months. I'm not sure I could have done this with the first one and kept my head above water, but chances are my career would have survived fine. I deeply regret to this day not being there more for my wife with our first born. However, that did not affect in any way my relationship with my son (1st born). Making the best of evenings and weekends did the trick there.

I think the best advice I can give is make sure your "home life" is your ultimate priority. Although this is generally the intention, I know from experience it can slip away if not careful. This doesn't mean skipping out of work at 4:30 or arriving bleary eyed at 10 am, but it does mean keeping a regular and consistent schedule. Plan with your wife when busy times are approaching, to ensure she has the help she needs. Once you get on a consistent schedule for feedings (yours as well), and her rest time, especially if she's breast feeding (it's needed, and also give you time alone with the baby each night) I think you'll find life takes on a new, and challenging, normalacy with many rewards.

You're asking the right questions, so I think you'll do just fine. :)

[ethics]

Priceless suggestions, Cor, thank you.

FWIW, we have petitioned her mother to come and help out for the first 6 months. Not saying it will be a substitute for my help, but in that area, I think it will help.

[ShinyTop]

Take advantage of the time you do have by giving the wife that period off. You do everything for the baby, or better yet, tell her to take off and spend the time with her friends. The baby needs to know he is still safe when he/she is with only you.

The time I had alone with the baby was terrific. And not having the mother around helps the baby see you as an equal parent.

[tke711]

I agree with both Cor and ST, and will only add one other thing.

When not at work, make your baby and your wife the ONLY priority!

For me, that means less time on these forums, less time playing (screwing up) my machine, less time playing video games, less time playing golf, and less time hanging out with the boys.

Before the baby, the thought of giving all those things up seemed impossible and depressing to me. Now, after the baby, I wouldn't have it any other way!! My free time spent with them is much more enjoyable and fulfilling than any of those other pastimes ever were! Now, I'm not saying to never do any of those things. Hell, we need to escape sometimes as well. Just limit those other activities to maximize your time with your family!

I have no fear that you will be a great father and husband Leon!! Don't worry and just enjoy it!!! :)

[Steve]

Leon, how much leeway do you have to work from home, if any? In my situation, my employer's willingness to reduce my hours and allow me to largely work from home gave me a great deal of freedom on the home front.

[joseftu]

I wish I had an easy answer for you!

I've been feeling extremely lucky this Father's Day, thinking of the difference between my life as a father, and that of my own father when I was young.

For him, his career was the main source of his identity, the primary demand on his time and energy. When I was born, he was in the Navy, at sea. He didn't see me until I was about six months old.

When I was about a year old, he started medical school. Then he was an intern, then a resident, then chief resident, then an oncologist in a busy university hospital, then on the board of that hospital and trying to build a private practice. He was basically always working. Almost never home for dinner, never available for school father-son type events, frequently called out on emergency calls in the middle of the night, and so forth and so on. He never really seemed entirely sure what grade I (or my three younger brothers) might be in, how old we were. He certainly didn't know what was important to us, or troubling us, or what we thought about the world.

I don't really mean this to blame him, or any father who makes this kind of choice (far less common these days than it was in his generation, I think). He's a good father, as best he can be, and he certainly cares for and loves his children. He just learned how to be a father and a man at a time when active parenting wasn't really part of the definition.

I'm a man of a different generation, and I'm a different kind of father. Since my daughter was born, I've been responsible for her full-time literally half of every single week. I've been present for every part of her life, and it's made me a better, happier, stronger, more centered man than I would have ever dreamed. Being a father is the best thing that I am.

I'm lucky that I have the kind of career (and my wife does too) where I can arrange my schedule to make this possible.

I don't know if my daughter will appreciate this especially when she grows up. She's always only going to have known the kind of father who's totally present in her life and her world, who's an active parent in every way. It doesn't even matter if she appreciates it or not (she just kissed me goodnight, and told me "Dad, tomorrow it won't be Father's Day, so you're going to get a little appreciation, but not too much"), because <b>I</b> appreciate it.

Like I said, there's no easy answer for you, ethics. Make the best way you can, to get as much time as you can with your child. Working from home, changing your hours, even missing out on promotions. It's not always easy, even in a job as forgiving as mine. If it means your career progresses more slowly (the working world today still assumes, I think, that the job is the man's main priority--probably true for women, too, but I think there's more acceptance that a woman is a mother first. Few employers understand that a man can be a father first), that's the way it will have to be. I think you'll be glad.

[Coriolis]

Originally posted by joseftu
(she just kissed me goodnight, and told me "Dad, tomorrow it won't be Father's Day, so you're going to get a little appreciation, but not too much")
We need a QoD (quote of the day!) -- that's precious Joe. :)

[ethics]

Originally posted by ShinyTop
Take advantage of the time you do have by giving the wife that period off.

Thanks!

For me, that means less time on these forums, less time playing (screwing up) my machine, less time playing video games, less time playing golf, and less time hanging out with the boys.

Originally posted by Tke711 Before the baby, the thought of giving all those things up seemed impossible and depressing to me. Now, after the baby, I wouldn't have it any other way!! My free time spent with them is much more enjoyable and fulfilling than any of those other pastimes ever were! Now, I'm not saying to never do any of those things. Hell, we need to escape sometimes as well. Just limit those other activities to maximize your time with your family!


Give up the forum!??! :eek:

LOL! Just kidding. That's already planned way in advance and why you will be in capable hands of other admins and moderators. :)

Originally posted by Steve Leon, how much leeway do you have to work from home, if any?

None. My job are one of those that I have to be onsite. Perhaps in the future, with VPN access, but I doubt it.

Originally posted by Steve Being a father is the best thing that I am.


Your daughter is very much blessed, Joe, thanks for a great post.

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[Neo]

This should be the thread of the month.

I am humbled by the responses posted here.

[ethics]

I've always been amazed how helping people on this forum are. In all honesty, I would have NEVER asked these (and some that are in GJ) questions because I am a VERY private person.

But through watching others seek advice and help, and the quality of the answers presented, the compassion, the empathy, the real life personal presentations... hell, the people here are black diamonds from the general population. It's just priceless.

I sit here, and re-read the entire thread about three times, and I have to tip off my hat to all of the fathers here. Joe mentioned that he won't know if his daughter will appreciate what he has done for her. Joe, and others, be sure the kids will.

[melpomene]

I feel odd entering this thread. Why? Because all the suggestions and advice have been brilliant, and from a male perspective. Which is so much more relevant to ethics.

I think in the first three months the best thing you can do ethics, is to remember the little things, and watch your wife very carefully. Be guided by her. What i mean by this is observing her moods, her words, her sleep patterns, eating habits, her gestures, body language etc. Because this is where you will pick up what is happening with her and essentially in the house. Get me?

By little things i mean. Just going and cleaning up the kitchen at night. Folding away clothes. Putting a pillow under her elbow when she is breastfeeding. Making a cup of tea, when she has put the baby to sleep and is now sitting on the couch with you. Picking up a pack of nappies on the way home from work. Patting your 12 year old on the head, as she walks past. Telling your 12 year what a great job she did at something. Keeping the house quite. Taking the phone off the hook. The little things.

[Vicky]

In my experience I would just make sure that your family is the No. 1 prority. They come before anyone or anything, and all the love you have to give is given to them.

My family has and always will come 1st, 2nd and 3rd in my life, and it will always be that way. They are my strength and my purpose and I wouldn't be who I am without the support and love they give me.

I feel is is so important to spend as much time with your children and family as you can. Never take them for granted, just feel blessed you have them.

I wouldn't be without my daughter for all the money in the world. This is the type of love you feel for your child. It is stonger than any other love you will ever feel in your life.

Congratulations ethics and your wife. You are about to go on a rollercoaster ride, with more ups and downs than you can imagine. It will all be worthwhile though.

Hugs


Vicky

[Paladin]

You can always get a new job. You will, one day, retire.

What you do with and for your children will affect them for their lifetime -- and their children, and their childrens' children.

Your wife is your better half, 'til death doth part. No matter what, she will stand beside you.

I do not 'balance' anything. My kids come before my work. My wife comes before my kids.

However I do have 32+ years seniority, 6+ weeks paid time off, and supervision does not want to lose my services.

[Biker]

There's one priority, and it isn't the job. Unfortunately, there is no true balance when trying to juggle work and family, something always looses out in the end. Some choose work, some choose family. I've always been the one to choose family.

[ethics]

Originally posted by melpomene
By little things i mean. Just going and cleaning up the kitchen at night. Folding away clothes. Putting a pillow under her elbow when she is breastfeeding. Making a cup of tea, when she has put the baby to sleep and is now sitting on the couch with you. Picking up a pack of nappies on the way home from work. Patting your 12 year old on the head, as she walks past. Telling your 12 year what a great job she did at something. Keeping the house quite. Taking the phone off the hook. The little things.

Yeh, I get ya. :) Thanks for the advice, will definitely try to do my best in the husband department.

Originally posted by Vicky
Congratulations ethics and your wife. You are about to go on a rollercoaster ride, with more ups and downs than you can imagine. It will all be worthwhile though.


Thank you, looking forward to it. :)

Originally posted by Paladin
However I do have 32+ years seniority, 6+ weeks paid time off, and supervision does not want to lose my services.

If I had that, I wouldn't be asking Paladin. ;) Actually, if I stayed with my other job, the answer would be clear as well. I am "new" though, in every part of this job.

Originally posted by Biker
Some choose work, some choose family. I've always been the one to choose family.

Ok, let me get this straight, you are in thought that you can NOT balance this? That you HAVE to choose one over the other? I am not saying you are wrong but I have to prove you wrong. Without family... well, you know. Without work, the family is screwed.

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[Paladin]

There will come a time when you have to be on the job or with the family. It will not be a balance thing. It will be 'LAN cutover' or 'Culminate the 8th grade.' Unless you have the clout to reschedule the LAN cutover you have to choose.

You can get another job. Not so easy to get another family.

[ditch]

How do you balance? With a great deal of difficulty.
Little bit of this, little bit of that.

Gotta go and pick my daughter up from soccer training. I'll finish this later if I get a few minutes. ;)

[Biker]

Originally posted by ethics
Ok, let me get this straight, you are in thought that you can NOT balance this? That you HAVE to choose one over the other? I am not saying you are wrong but I have to prove you wrong. Without family... well, you know. Without work, the family is screwed.

Unless you have a job where there is liberal views on taking time off when needed, there will be a point in time when you will have to choose between work or family. No, I don't think you can find a "balance" for a career vs family. Job vs family, maybe.. Career vs family, no.

[ethics]

POint taken, thanks guys (and gals). :)

[BestFriend]

*snicker* Can I ...Can I? Can I put my response in here too? NO, I am not a daddy....HeeHee. First of all...let me remind you...you are not in your life alone and going through your experiences alone. Look towards your lovely wife and see the wonderful partner that is beside you. Together you will make decisions as the changes come towards both of you! Sometimes she will compromise and other times you will. With kids...you both will. You will do fine...just keep talking to the wife, keep romance and courting alive, make time for each other aside from family time, and keep your humor...you are going to need it. Especially at 4 a.m. when no one wants to get out of the comfortable bed!

[ethics]

Originally posted by BestFriend
*snicker* Can I ...Can I? Can I put my response in here too? NO, I am not a daddy....HeeHee.&nbsp;

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Of course you may! And thank you for wonderful suggestions, will take heed. :)