How Healthy is an Old Fling?

[ethics]

Have you ever thought about looking up that old girlfriend or boyfriend? Psychologist Nancy Kalish, who has <a href="http://www.lostlovers.com/research.htm">studied 2,000 such relationships</a> over the past ten years, says that, thanks to the Internet, <a href="http://www.boston.com/dailyglobe2/140/metro/Loves_from_the_past_shake_up_the_presentP.shtml">such reunions</a> are becoming increasingly common. The popular classmates.com's database has over 35 million people and adds thousands of members each day; kiss.com specializes in finding that high school sweetheart; and Reunion.com also has a dating directory and over 10 million members and is, according to its spokesman, '...one of the most amazing catalysts for humanity that you can imagine.'

It may also be a catalyst for trouble, especially when the seekers are married. When they find that lost love, the old flame seems to reignite with particular intensity: 'Your heart is kind of open to this person already.... It's like with an old friend, the way you pick up where you left off, but it's not as innocent as an old friend. And then you start thinking about it and going crazy.' According to Kalish, rekindled love 'has a life of its own. One person said that for her, it was an emotional steamroller, and it just rolls over everything in sight.' Kalish's lostlovers.com, which offers relationship advice to reunited lovers, is attracting more and more married people seeking counsel. The psychologist claims that in her experience over half of those who divorce in order to be with their former love say that they had been happily married before the reunion.

Kalish argues that therapists tend to underestimate the power of such attractions, especially first loves. Linda Waud, a psychologist who has written about reunited couples, believes the sexual attachment to a first love is, in its intensity, comparable to a baby's attachment to his or her mother: 'There is an actual neurological attachment that happens between these individuals...and that's why it's enduring and it never leaves your mind. It's there forever and ever.' One married woman, responding anonymously to a Boston Globe question posted on lostlovers.com, warns of how quickly such reunions can become obsessive affairs.

But perhaps the 54-year-old man, married for 30 years and now having an affair with his first girlfriend, sums it up the feeling best: 'I care for my wife...but it's like my first love and I were together first, and it seems like my wife kind of came between us.'

Pretty brutish and crass but I can tell how this might happen. Anyone here who still thinks about "what could have been" with their first lover?

(Will move this thread to Health and Science after enough exposure here)

[cdw]

Fantasize about it? Sure. Do something about it? Absolutely not.
IMO, a "happily married person" does not actively go onto a website of this type in an effort to find an old love. I would venture to say the people who do have some issues they've never dealt with.

[Robert Harris]

I frequently think about the great lost love of my life, a woman I last saw in about 1968. I recently did a simple web search to see what she has done with herself. She has an unusual name, and only one such name turned up. She seems to be maried, since she has a new name tacked on to hers -- although her original family name is still used, as a middle name. Back then she then was a Ph.D candidate at a major university and I thought I might find her on a faculty list somewhere, or some publications, or some such thing. Seems she went a different way and is now CEO of a consulting firm, although she also is on a major university faculty as a part-timer.

So I know where she is and what she is doing and I assume she still is that gorgeous blonde I remember so well (with fondness). I would not try to get together with her for a million dollars, though. I don't need to add more trouble to my life. :)

[ShinyTop]

I ran into the girl who first ran her tongue down my throat at a ball park where our daughters played softball. Had not seen her in 20 years. She looked about the same but she was a shrill screaming never ahappy with anything softball mom. Breathed a big sign of relief. Kind of made me shy about looking anybody else up.

That classmates page will be boycotted by me just because of the way they advertise. Sort of like the A10 camera.

[tke711]

I originally joined Classmates when they first started. Not to hook up with an old flame, but to simply see what my fellow classmates were up to. However, once Classmates got too big for their britches and decided to charge for their service, I stopped visiting.

But, back on topic. I guess I've never really had the need/want to look up, or hook up, with an old flame. Sure, I guess it would be nice to know they are OK, but I couldn't imagine wanting them back.

[IamZed]

She commited suicide. I don’t want to meet her.

[BigDeputyDog]

I reunited with my "lost love"... I had just gotten divorced and she was going through a divorce. We had not seen each other for 15 years but, when we saw each other, it was like it had only been a long weekend apart. Without much in the way of reintroduction or preliminaries, we took up where we had left off 15 years ago... Alas, things had changed... She was not the same person I remembered, nor was I the same person she had remembered. We had grown and gone in different directions during the 15 years. We found that we no longer liked many of the same things that we used to "back then". We realized that the couple we once were could no longer be, that we were not that couple any more. We parted ways, after a short but intense relationship, and agreed to remain friends and in touch... I haven't seen or talked with her in over 20 years now... :(

BDD...

[ethics]

I think that's the problem that I would predict, BDD. People assume that you might have left off at some time but the personality has changed, experiences have taught people certain things, be they negative or positive.

[Wacko]

I reunited with my first love, and it didn't take long to realize just what BDD has stated. Didn't work out as we were too different.

On the other hand I did find a best friend of mine (opposite sex) through Classmates.com. We have spent quite a few long nights on-line chatting, but neither of us will go further than that. She is in a bad marriage, and I'm not planning on being a rebound. Just wouldn't work out for us, so I will stay at a distance, and chat with my best friend on-line only. One can dream tho...

Now if I could just find a few more of my friends from high school...:)

[SixofNine]

I don't have to worry about find a long-lost love via classmates.com. I went to an all-boys high school. :)

Brian